Life Unexpected
Sometimes life takes a turn we don’t expect. Sometimes it takes your breath away, good or bad. The turn that came in my life threatened that I’d never be able to breathe again. I'm Jill and this is a part of my story. Seven years ago on June 15, 2013 was the happiest day of my LIFE! It was on this day that I FINALLY got to marry my BESTEST friend and LOVE of my life. It’s hard to believe it was 6 years ago.
I look back on our wedding day and remember how very honored and PROUD I was to be this incredible man’s wife. My life with Stephen was more than a dream come true for me. He was so much more than I could have ever hoped for in a man. He was an amazing man of God. If I knew then that I would have become a widow at the age of 27, I would still have chose to marry him in a heart beat. There is nothing that can ever take away the love that we shared. We balanced each other out. In areas he was strong I was weak and in areas I was strong he was weak. He had such a way about him that he was able to build relationships with people in ways no one else could. He was exceptionally talented in everything he did. He excelled spiritually, as a youth pastor, musically, and athletically. The amount of wisdom he expelled was astounding.
I miss him more than words could ever explain. As time moves on I miss him THAT much more. When I simply say “I miss him,” I really mean
I miss his smile,
I miss his voice,
I miss his laugh,
I miss him next to me,
I miss his jokes,
I miss him holding my hands,
I miss him teasing me,
I miss him so much I can feel my heart breaking.
My life came to a screeching and life altering halt, and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces.
I resented God for taking him away from me far too soon. It was because that isn’t what “I” wanted, but it’s clearly Part of God’s masterful plan. A plan I am still trying to puzzle together and in time He has been revealing it to me little by little. Gently. And in perfect timing.
Trusting in God’s plan doesn’t take away from the fact that I hate doing life without Stephen. It doesn’t fill the massive crater in my heart. It doesn’t heal the wound. That wound will always be there, but it does give hope. Hope that God in fact does have everything all mapped out. He’s just waiting for the perfect timing for the rest of the story to unfold. I have to hold on to that. That is my hope, and that is my peace in the raging storm of emotions I face daily.
I don’t share this to be “woah is me,” or “look how much I’m suffering.” I share this because I know I’m not the only one who is struggling with adversity. I share this because I want to share the hope, love and strength that God provides in all circumstances. We have to realize that God loves us so much but sometimes He says “no” to taking away our pain and suffering. Because that pain and suffering is something which He uses to grow us as a person, to grow our Faith and to cultivate us into the person which He created us to be. But we have to LET Him cultivate us, despite the pain. He knows things we don’t because He sees the big picture.
Even though I felt so rejected by God, I know that He has been holding me, protecting me, caring for me, and guiding me throughout these last few years.
I have felt peace in the most horrendous times of my life. That’s where He was comforting me.
I have been given a STRENGTH to get through this life, enduring such magnificent pain on a daily basis, but somehow, I’m able to smile and laugh again. Something I seriously thought I’d never be able to do again (that took time). Thats only God and a small part of His healing grace.
I know God has a plan. It’s absolutely not what I wanted, but my life is meant to fulfill Gods call. He is the author and the creator and I am living Gods story. Not mine. He is most definitely going to use my story to reach and help others.
This is my journey. Thank you for walking it with me.
I hope that you too are able to find Gods strength and hope in your own journey, whatever you might be going through.
By Jill Swillum posted on Mar 26, 2020